#ugh i'm rambling too much again | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

aeligsido · 3 months ago

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okay but Sirius who has a blind spot the size of Russia for Regulus. Like, guys it's not his fault if he's supporting Voldemort, it's our family's. It's not his fault if he's turning into a Death Eater, it's because of who he's hanging out with. It's not his fault if he's getting sucked into a blood purist cult, it's because he's too soft, too kind, too naive, too stupid to push back against what they've been taught. He's a good person at heart, Sirius swears, and makes excuses.

But also, Regulus having an equally Russia-sized blind spot for Sirius. It's not his fault if he's getting distant, it's because he's alone in Gryffindor without support. It's not his fault if he's questioning everything they know is true, it's because of his so-called friends. It's not his fault if he's becoming a blood traitor, it's because of the mudbloods and the half-breeds and the blood traitors and fucking Potter. Regulus arguing with his parents for the first time because they can't disown Sirius it's just letting them win and we can't let them keep Sirius.

Sirius distancing himself more and more from his family the more hateful Regulus gets (look at what they're doing to his brother!) and Regulus growing into more and more of a blood purist the more Sirius distance himself (they're stealing his brother, they need to get rid of them!).

And neither of them realizes it either.

#hp #rambles of my soul #tbh i do see them as being really close as kids #regulus getting upset when he can't go to hogwarts with sirius #and then getting angry and jealous when sirius comes back and he has (internal gag) friends #like he's he not enough? why would sirius need them when regulus is right there?#regulus never grew out of feeling replaced bc his brother got friends: the family drama #sirius is so annoyed bc he doesn't understand what's regulus' problem is #so he spends more time with his friends bc regulus is not fun to be around anymore :/#so they end up never getting close again bc too much resentment and 0 communication #although a regulus lives au where he has to confront the fact that he lost sirius bc of his own actions would be pretty funny #like uuuugh okay he can come to term that he was wrong about the blood purist thing sure fine no problem #but now he has to (UGH) play nice with his brother's friends to get something of a relationship with him back???#the horror he would have rather died actually #anyways #it's 4am i'm rambling everything's fine #regulus black #sirius black #hc

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dazais-guardian-angel · 8 months ago

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I'm finding it difficult to reconcile the fact that what I've always wanted and envisioned for Nikolai and his relationship with Fyodor based on fanworks and the very very little canon information we've had to go off of so far, will very likely be very different from what we actually get.

While I understand the appeal of Fyodor taking over Nikolai's body via his blood ability, and the inherent, romantic, ironic tragedy of that — for Nikolai, the person who yearned for freedom, to meet an end by having his soul eternally trapped in the body of the person he loved the most, while Fyodor lives on in his body, never truly knowing how much he was adored by him — I would just hate the idea of that happening now? It just feels far, far too soon for Nikolai to be dead, for his character to no longer have a role or a purpose; his mind and behavior is so utterly fascinating in all its bizarre contradictions, there's so much more to explore and discover with him, he's one of BSD's most complex characters, or at least he's set up to be, and I really hope Asagiri wouldn't throw him away this soon without doing anything more with him.

I never really thought that Nikolai would be the one to end Fyodor for good, way down the line (that can only ever be Dazai's job, to me, since he's his foil), but I always imagined he'd at least have some kind of role in attempting to kill him, since that's his ultimate wish. I imagined that it would be ugly, frenzied, unhinged, desperate, Nikolai finally being forced to acknowledge the horrible truth that's always been buried within his subconscious but he's never wanted to accept: that going against all human reason and killing someone he cares so deeply for will not, in fact, simply make those feelings go away, and will instead make them unable to ignore in his despair. The realization that he'll always be chained to human emotions, to love, no matter how much he thinks he can be free of them. And then, the ensuing breakdown from that. Yes, it's extremely fanficky lmao, but that kind of drama makes sense to me for him and them. It's interesting.

There was also the angst angle of Fyodor being immortal, and Nikolai's agenda perhaps stemming from wanting to save him from that, and being able to finally free him from it in the same way he himself wants to be freed. Killing being the ultimate expression of love, not too dissimilar to Mushitarou killing Yokomizo, both putting on an act of being hateful/vengeful/hostile towards the other in order to cope with the fact that deep down they can't bear the thought of them being gone.

But then we got Fyodor's "death" here, and Nikolai's reaction to it was so unbelievably underwhelming and calm that it made me question everything I thought I knew about Asagiri's writing skills him, and what the story is going for with him. And combined with this revelation now that Fyodor is (unsurprisingly!) immortal, but specifically in the way that he can be killed but supposedly resurrects endlessly (which I really like in of itself, don't get me wrong)... it makes me question what exactly Nikolai knows, or will know, and it somewhat destroys the potential angst we could get with them in the end, or at least drastically changes it.

If Nikolai already knows Fyodor can't be killed, that means we'll never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then has to face the fact that he did the deed and it didn't make him feel freed, and he instantly regrets it. It also means we'd never get a moment where he tries to kill him and then discovers he can't truly die, and the ensuing insanity that would occur from that. It also makes me even question the legitimacy of his reaction to Fyodor's "death" here... was it so damn apathetic and lukewarm because he already knows it wasn't permanent? I mean, I'd like an explanation for it feeling so ooc, it would make me feel better about that, but I can't deny that it would be disappointing to have yet another part of this arc that was just an act and not genuine feelings....

Now, that isn't to say that it's impossible to do anything interesting with Nikolai already knowing the truth. He could be wishing to try to attain free will through the illogical pursuit of an impossible task: in this case, killing Fyodor. There's a beautiful, tragic paradox in him wishing to attempt something to gain his freedom that he and we know is impossible, especially if subconsciously he takes solace in the fact that he'd be able to kill Fyodor without actually losing him for good. If Nikolai doesn't already know, assuming he's not dead he's likely going to find out the truth soon when he next sees Fyodor alive and kicking — I can't imagine a way he wouldn't find out. In that case, we wouldn't get the aforementioned scenario where he tries to kill him and discovers it's futile, which is the most juicy to me I won't lie, but I am still fascinated by the idea of how Nikolai will respond just seeing him suddenly alive again and having to process this after having just mourned him. It's interesting to imagine how he might respond to and treat Fyodor after at last knowing how it truly felt to lose him, and realizing how much he didn't want that, and then suddenly having him back. It might cause him to finally understand that his desire for freedom is unobtainable, and cause him to spiral, and fundamentally change their relationship going forward. An eventual tragic end for him such as Fyodor taking over his body would not feel out of place to me in that case, perhaps, but still not until we've had more time to see Nikolai reflect and see his possible change in perspectives.

I don't know, I'm just rambling at this point lmao. I know very well that so much of my expectations and desires for Nikolai and Fyolai are built up from fan content over the years just because there's been nothing else to work with, and that it's unfair to judge what Asagiri decides to do with him/them based on preconceived notions. Whatever he does could still be interesting in the end, even if it's not what I initially wanted or expected, and being open to being surprised is always a good thing. At the end of the day we still know barely anything about Nikolai, so it's not completely fair for me to judge something as ooc for a character we still know so little about.

But... it's because we know so little about him and have gotten so little of him, that at the very least, I'm gonna be really upset if he does die here from being possessed by Fyodor like people are worrying about. I really don't think he will, because I'm pretty confident the helicopter pilot is the one Fyodor swapped with/resurrected in the body of as per soup's theory, and again I'm not saying it wouldn't be fitting eventually... but I really don't want it to happen now. :/ I just think Nikolai still has so much potential as a character and so much more we need to see of him before his likely inevitable and tragic demise (however it happens), so whatever Asagiri decides to do with him I just really, really hope we don't lose him so prematurely; it would honestly be such a tremendous waste imo.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd 114 #is this meta? i don't know #more like just incoherent rambling lmao #i just don't want Nikolai to die man....... I really don't #i get that people are hyped up on the juicy tragedy of it all but plssssssss it's too soon for him to go #we need so much more of the enigmatic clown...... he's too interesting to lose just yet!!!#i'm sad at probably losing the outcomes i always hoped for him and fyolai but right now i just want More Of Him #he can't die so soon when he's barely even had pagetime #it COULD be fascinating to see Fyodor's reaction to taking over his body but....... i don't think he'd /have/ any right now #they need more time together before one of them dies #i always thought/hoped Fyodor would die first and Nikolai would be left alone to angst lmao but ugh........#now it's really feeling like it'll be the opposite #which again doesn't HAVE to be a bad thing depending on how Asagiri executes it........ I just think this is way too soon for it to happen #i'm gonna be so mad if Nikolai just dies offscreen without us ever hearing from him again because Fyodor possessed his body #poetically cruel and tragic? yes. but also so anticlimactic at this moment in time #never getting to hear from him again.........#ugh i blame all the Fyolai fan creators; they've raised the bar too high 😭😭😭#idk maybe i'm just talking out of my ass though. i probably am. i just feel conflicted about all this and need to see where it goes

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babacontainsmultitudes · 8 months ago

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[just venting a bit into the void you understand you understand 😌] Lately I've been feeling very caught between "I have a lot of thoughts on Sparrow and Normal and all that with the ending and teen talk and feel like I need to get them out and voice them for my own piece of mind and resolution" and "I am lacking the strength and energy to actually sit down and write it all out and kind of really just want to fully move on to other things (AUs, fics, anything else)" but my brain can't seem to commit to either and that's quite frustrating cause it's just left me very restless. *Sigh*. Idk! Just needed to complain about that a bit ig, it's silly but this is what has been ailing me as of late.

#Then there's also a part of me that's like “does anyone even care at this point? haven't I already talked about them too much?”#but I have seen many a take that irk me...#and perhaps at the center of it all nagging at me is that persistent conflation of love and pride #Less about that in Normal's mind so much as in Will's and the fandom's 🤔#Also that reoccurring issue of the fandom going ''Normal thinks this therefore it is The Truth'' though I believe I've discussed this befor #And... Hooks Will could have grabbed onto but didn't... Quite a few of those...#And the double standard/negativity bias in fandom of ignoring that Sparrow says both that he loves and likes Normal while doodlerized #But not treating those with the same legitimacy we do the pride thing. And ignoring Sparrow's demonstrations of love and change...#And what the love wolf scene actually implies about Sparrow (as I see it) with his own explanation of the pride thing in mind #But also!!! Also on Norm's epilogue and how despite everything taken at face value (i.e. no teen talk influence) I don't actually hate it #and I think it's plenty salvageable #And gah also that like *regardless* of how things turn out with Normal and his dad-#Well I haven't listened to much of the teen talk just the directly Sparrow-relevant clips #so I don't know quite how cynical Will is or isn't about Normal's future #But like. UGH. What I'm trying to say is even if things didn't find resolution vis-a-vis his dad #(which tbh I could go either way on- it's the meta misinterpretations of Sparrow that Bother me not so much Normal's)#(Well that's complicated. Again it comes back to the love vs. pride thing gosh this is so vague of me lol)#With all the positive influences in his life (and just the fact that life is long? and therapy is a thing?) I just don't see Normal-#being Miserable for the rest of his life. Like. I mean I won't elaborate here really but damn it no he can absolutely turn out alright stil #blugh #BUT YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN THAT'S A LOT OF STUFF AND THAT'S ONLY VAGUE RAMBLINGS ABOUT *SOME* OF IT #Like I'm proud of a lot of my essay posts (which I'm hoping to eventually compile in a masterpost eventually actually) but they take a whil #And if my heart wants to do other things... Ah idk...#ANYWAYS a vent to vent a vent to vent

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fragmentedblade · 1 year ago

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Jing Yuan's "It's hard to discard one's past" line during Yukong's mission fell on me with the weight of a tombstone

#It's been several days and I'm still thinking about that line #And the weight it carries when it comes to Jing Yuan himself‚ of course‚ but also Dan Heng and Blade #How the line works for the two of them in opposite ways and yet how it's true in both cases #God I love him so much #Unfair that he isn't my favourite character #He checks all the boxes. The place was carved for him‚ and yet #And yet haha #So often it feels life is but a never-ending flow of carefully crafted expectations‚ goals‚ schemes‚ intentions and objectives #all unravelled by 'and yet'#And so often it feels mastering the 'and yets' is the key to success more than methodically planning #But I am rambling incessantly again #And about unrelated nothingness #I don't know how I always end up doing this ugh #At this point it could be considered my main skill #I talk too much #Sorry if this appears in the general tag for real. I don't know what to do at this point to organise things in my blog #It's over fifteen tags. It shouldn't appear. It used to not appear ugh #Jing Yuan

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kyouka-supremacy · 1 year ago

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Tries to buy something from Ama/zon (tears hair) (vomits blood) (breaks all their bones) (faints to the ground) (starts convulsing) (drops dead)

#I don't know how people buy stuff on Ama/zon on regular basis tbh.#This is like the second time in my whole life I've resorted to buying from it and... I just can't.#I find it so unethical on every front it seriously made me feel sick and needing to throw up #I just wanted to buy a present for my birthday is that too much to ask.#Yet I've been meaning to buy it the whole day and I just ////// c a n t //////. Like I seriously can't I'm not strong enough #Last time it was a present for a friend so I didn't feel that guilty since it wasn't destined to me. But now it's? Phisically painful?#I guess it doesn't help that I'm just not used to buying things for myself outside groceries in general ;;;;;;#Like I never feel the need for a treat the Tumblr posts talk about I just. Buy food and necessities. I'm a boring person okay #Tbh I feel like I'll really end up with no present this time around because I don't know. I really don't think I will make up my mind #Sorry needed to vent I've been stuck on this the whole day #random rambles #Does anyone have any tip on how to stop feeling guilty for buying something for myself once a year?#Then again who am I trying to fool. It's Ama/zon. We're all conscious of the problems that come with it. I SHOULD feel guilty #Ugh. Ugh. Ugh.

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running-in-the-dark · 1 year ago

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I've been using social media (Reddit and Tumblr) a lot less for a week now, starting with the Reddit blackout. And I think I have to stick with that. Went back on Reddit, immediately saw a post about climate change. I just can't do this anymore. I can't.

Every time I see something like that, or a post saying we don't care about whatever issue, or an awful event that happened, I just feel completely hopeless. There is nothing I can do.

I'm already worried enough about climate change and frustrated that most people still don't seem to care or change their behaviour at all, they still expect to keep living their comfortable easy lives where they get/do everything they want while saying that they don't owe anyone anything, they'll never change.

Anyway, I don't know how to stop though. I don't have many friends and talking to you guys on here is important to me. But when I open the app I can't help scrolling a little and I'm just so burnt out. What's the point in any of this. Everything is going to get so much worse and we can't do anything to stop it. I just want to live in a time where I can have hope that things are going to get better, not worse. If I'm honest, it feels like there's no point in getting my degree, what does it even matter, everything is going to shit anyway. Plus I'm not well enough to work a full time job so I'm just a lazy pig anyway, right?

I don't know. This is pointless too. I won't change anything, I'll still be on here just like the last five times I said something like this. I'll still sit on the couch watching TV and mindlessly being on my phone because that's all I have the energy to do. It's pointless.

#I feel like I'm living in a different reality to everyone around me #they're having kids and buying houses and living their lives like nothing is happening #I don't know. maybe it would get better if I didn't go online at all anymore. maybe if I just don't know what's going on at all.#maybe I could feel sane again if I did that. idk. it's probably too late at this point.#I'm sick and have just been lying in bed since yesterday so I've had too much time to think. that's probably why I feel so fucking shitty.#anyway. I'm just rambling. ugh.#personal #cw negativity #or whatever.

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hecckyeah · 1 year ago

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why do some people just have such an Effect on you

#okay slight ramble ahead. you have been warned #so at the place i work there's a training we have to do every year for certification #which isn't that bad because it's outside and it's fun #but the first year i was super nervous about it and worried i wouldn't do well #so it was hard to focus on much except just getting through it and passing #but the second time i was more relaxed and just able to enjoy being outside and talking with my coworkers #AND #ugh #so the guy who was there certifying us. he was around last year and me being me. my traitorous brain decided to develop the WORST crush.#in just the one day he was here #and so of course i didn't see him for a year #and mostly forgot about it #but then he came back this week #and when i tell you my traitorous brain was at it AGAIN #but it's just like. he's probably way too old for me. waY out of my league. i might never see him again. completely unreasonable #and that's fine.#i'm okay with just having a crush from a distance because it happens pretty often and most of the time it's unrealistic like now #but you know those people that just leave such a lasting impression #that just make you take a step back and go woah. THAT is a quality person who is really good at their job and really qualified and just.#of a higher caliber. if you will. which is a weird way to put it but i'm not sure how else to #like just a very admirable character #so anyways #if you've gotten this far i am so sorry. this is a side of me i don't normally display lol #it's just. i guess my standards are so high for a potential future partner that i start romanticizing the Most Unrealistic scenarios #which is probably an awful habit to have #so i should probably shut up now #just needed rant for a second #so thanks <3 #katie's sleep deprived ramblings #(very literally this time)

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autisticlee · 1 year ago

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it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!!#people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?!#its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭#so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead?#no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going?#if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right?#ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries.#if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move.#if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

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megane-sama · 2 years ago

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I'm moving to a new place tomorrow and lord im so nervous.

#technically im running away from home #but im almost 21 so it doesn't carry as much weight if i say that #lmao I'm so excited and terrified #I've needed to leave my family for so long they've been ruining my mental health #and i would never be allowed to do this normally so i guess i gotta just up and dissappear #dropping out of college too and not picking it up again for a long while #tuition is too expensive to try and pay on my own #imma just enter the workforce #God I'm not built for work kill me now #actually don't #but yeah ugh rambling in the tags to calm my heart as i listen to Kim Namjoon #i have my documents and cash and ive paid for my bus tickets #i feel like such an adult #yippee

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wakanai · 11 months ago

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Happy New Year!!!

Hope you have an awesome time in 2024, and I can't wait for all the new BSD stuff to come next year!

OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG

I JUST SAW THIS NOW AAAA

thank you!!! You too!!!!!!

And same!! I can't wait for all the BSD stuff that's coming out next (this) year too!! and the years after that 💓💓💓

Oh and..

HEHE that includes any potential posts/analysis/anything bsd you do this year 🤭🤭 (no pressure ofc but if you do post, I'm likely to eat it when I see it lmao)

OH AND UHH..

as a treat, ig ill be sharing good news to a fellow bsd enjoyer?

I got my friend to watch BSD aaaa!! 🤭🤭 (and it happened just while I was typing this lol)

yeah that's all!!

seeing as your posts make bsd more enjoyable for ppl, I'm guessing you prob know what this feels like haha!

HAPPY HAPPY NEW YEAR ALEX

♥️♥️♥️

#asks #alex #sorcerersandskillusers #OMG THIS IS LIKE #IF UR FAVOURITE AO3 AUTHOR GREETED YOU #EXCEPT ITS ON TUMBLR/TUMBLR VERSION #am I acting strange? yes I'm sorry #but anyways!!#thank you so much and I hope 2024 treats you well too!! 🤭🤭#your posts are great man fr keep it up 💓💓💓💓💓💓#like “keep it up” as in just keep being ur fun self and do what makes u happy #like dont pressure urself to make posts just idk do you #cause seeing ur genuine reactions and stuff for bsd is enjoyable #ugh i ramble #anywy take care of urself!!#and gnight my phone is running out of battery :')#again happy new year!!!! ♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️♥️#and thank you for your posts you absolute mad lad (affectionate)#!

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inkykeiji · 1 year ago

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hi, it’s the anon who mentioned nicole dollanganger before. if im messaging too much please let me know fr. i think im just happy to talk with you about ur work bc ive followed you for ages now silently.

completely understand what u said about nicole, there’s a lot of her songs that i have to be careful listening to bc they’d heavy. i understand if they’re too much for u too listen to but just wanted to say for me that the main songs that remind me of your touya and touya in general are dogwood, you’re so cool, angels have wings and my baby. some of them might be pretty heavy to listen to so understand if you can’t!

anyways, hope you’re having a great day!

hi hi!! <3 omg please don’t ever think that! sometimes it can take me a moment to get to them but i want you to know that i appreciate every single message you send i pinky promise!!! i’m literally in awe and so incredibly thankful that people read my work and discuss it with me and interact with me in general! it means so much to me, genuinely <33

yes!!! exactly!! ah so i’ve actually heard all of these before! dogwood is so touya-nii/his reader it’s actually unbelievable. i can’t remember who recommended this song to me but i was just blown away by it. i really want to listen to her newest album but i’m so scared >.< i can’t explain the way her work makes me feel, it just hits so incredibly close to home and i always end up with chest shattering sobs by the end of a listening session.

i talk about you’re so cool here (along with a whole dang essay on all the songs anon recommended EHEHE) & only angels have wings really really reminds me of tnii’s reader as well but even in a broader and more general sense just like, any relationship with dabi because i genuinely and truly do believe that ‘love’ with him would be so fucking obsessive and all-consuming and co-dependent to the point where you’d do anything to stay with him (and him you).

my baby has been recommended by at least two separate anons and i literally love it so fucking much like this is one of her songs that i can listen to without crying or feeling really emotional after!!! my baby reminds me of tnii for sure but it especially reminds me of tag!dabi;;;; possibly because he drives a cadillac HAHAHA but i also just feel like this song rly encompasses their whole relationship so well <333

WHEW i rambled hehe but thank you so much for sharing your thoughts with me, anon!!! i love music so much esp pieces that have such intense lyrics (as u can probably tell from my fic titles HAHA) <3 i hope your weekend went well!!! enjoy the week ahead <3

#SORRY I WROTE SO MUCH UGH #she just really is so incredible #one of these days i will finally be healed enough to listen to her fully and not feel like i'm back trapped in my childhood home #i mean #i don't think it's a bad thing that her work makes me so insanely emotional #i think that's a huge testament to how incredible of an artist she is and sometimes her stuff can feel so cathartic when i need it #but sometimes it rly is just too heavy for me #and i like to listen to stuff on repeat for days on end and i'm upset that i can't do that with most of her songs yet :((#anyway i am rambling AGAIN haha #pls stay safe out there anon and drink water!!#inky.bb #clari gets mail

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aberooski · 1 year ago

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I was gonna try to work on the Mario crossover today but the ac in my room decided today was the perfect time to stop working and die when we're about to have an insane heat wave this week, the house ac doesn't work in my room ergo my own ac that is now dead. So it's way too hot up there so I have to sit downstairs with my family and no way am I gonna work on fanfiction around them so I guess that plan's down the drain 😑

#I literally can't have anything #I can still write on my phone I suppose but I won't get as much done as if I could be up in my room working on my computer #I'm sick of this every time I try to pull myself together something comes up to knock me back off kilter #fucking fuck summer I hate it I never want another summer ever again #yesterday was good too ugh #I have 1 good day and then thr universe slaps me with something shitty and ruins everything for me every fucking time #okay vent over I'm sorry #abby's just rambling don't mind her

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rosetta-stoned-bitch · 1 year ago

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I feel like shit, too many straws on my back and one of them is def gonna break it

#Arushi rambles #It's my bday soon and I've never had a lesser inclination to celebrate it #God ugh #My best friend isn't in town #Neither is my boyfriend #And my anxiety won't shut up about how he's actually forgotten my bday and won't even wish much less send a gift #And recently we've been talking much less too since he went back to his hometown and we went long distance #And it feels like I'm the only one who even wants to talk and it's starting to make me feel really really stupid. So stupid that I get angry #Like I get its gotten really stressful. Since he is back home plus has this whole really frustrating job hunt going and it kinda makes sense #To not always want to talk because of how frustrating life has been lately and I'm really trying to be understanding of it all #But it feels horrible to pick up my phone at 2 in the afternoon and have absolutely 0 texts since last night #Which was also me trying to initiate a casual conversation that we did not even end up having #And it makes me want to completely stop initiating any conversation and it's making me want to stop putting in any kinda effort and ughhhh #idk man #I thought this would be different #If he does forget my bday I don't think I'll stay with him. I'm not making the same mistakes here.#I was an idiot to not recognise lack of efforts in the last one I'm certainly not doing it again #No matter how fckn amazing and consistent he'd been the 4 months he was here.#Maybe I should tell him I'm feeling like shit I know I should but whenever we talk he sounds so down and stressed already #I really don't feel like adding on #Ugh idk

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wannaeatramyeon · 1 month ago

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Being Goo Kim's Secret Friend: Gitae Kim

2.2k. G/N. Gitae Kim x reader. Reader is morally grey. Gets spicy (Prequel-ish: An Introduction) Other Masterlists

“So, let me get this straight."

"Mm." Goo hums, meaning go ahead.

"You're paying me to babysit?"

"Man-sit," he interjects.

"Whatever." You flap your hand, "but I am looking after this person, correct?"

"Yes my little sweetpea." Goo rests his head on your shoulder, so close you could count his eyelashes and see the way his pupils dilate. "It's my secret friend's first time back in Seoul after being away. It'll be good for you to show him around."

"...I'm charging my usual rate."

"Sure-"

"And you're covering our expenses."

He rolls his eyes, "Ugh, fine."

Gitae Kim, from what you have managed to find out, is patricidal and a powerful man with unsavoury dealings.

"Play nice," was Goo's parting advice when you came to him with your concerns.

"Play nice?!" You say, voice shrill. Goo grins.

"Fuck you, my rate just tripled."

The grin drops and is replaced by a scowl.

"I thought we could try this place. It serves the best yukhoe." You gaze over to Gitae sitting in the passenger seat as you navigate the roads, checking if there's any response.

Nothing.

"Raw beef tartare." You explain, "I've heard you can be bloodthirsty."

His eyes flicker to you and you give him your most charming smile.

Head resting in your palm and elbow on the table, you observe him.

You find his table manners leaves a lot to be desired and watching him has put you off your own meal.

He eats like a beast but if the ferocity that he attacks his food is anything to go by, you're right on the money with guessing his taste.

"Let's get you another drink," you murmur, signalling for the staff. "Goo will kill me if you choke to death and I'm not practised with the heimlich."

"That was good, right?" You ask, striding alongside and trying to match Gitae step for step as he ignores you.

"I think you enjoyed it. Or you look like you did. I'm not really a fan of raw anything to be honest but gotta be a good host." You direct a smile his way and he hasn't even glanced over at you. You shrug it off and continue to ramble. "I'm still pretty hungry. There's a really good bubble tea place round here and they have a limited edition drink I want to get-"

"No," Gitae cuts in rudely.

"It won't take five minutes."

"No." He repeats, indicating there's no room for argument.

"Aww, cmon," you pout and he once again continues to ignore you. You consider going anyway, with or without Gitae.

Goo, face scrunched up in anger and shrieking obscenities, pops into your mind's eye when you imagine telling him that you might have lost his secret friend because you wanted a bubble tea.

"Fine," you grumble and throw Gitae a dirty look.

Gapryong's eldest is a man of few words and it only adds to his intimidating and menacing aura.

You've seen his list of achievements and he is not someone you want as an enemy. But when someone is this difficult, your default is to try and see what response you can get out of them.

"You know they have vapes now," you signal at the pipe hanging from his belt as you continue to walk next to him.

"Do you smoke?" you ask, and expectedly, he doesn't respond,

"No? I guess it's cool you're committing to it for aesthetic reasons." Then dammit, you wonder what has gotten into you. Maybe it's hanging out with Goo too much because you can't help but add, "Even if it makes you a bit... y'know."

He slows, looking over at you at the same time that you pull a face. Indicating clearly you meant 'cringe' even if you didn't say it aloud.

"You do you though," you say, giving him a thumbs up.

He looks at you for a beat longer, head tilted and eyes narrowed, before continuing on his way with you scurrying to catch up.

By the end of the first week, Gitae has responded to exactly three things that you've said.

The second week, he's still mostly silent but he actually looks at you sometimes when you talk.

The third week, he calls you by your name when he demands your attention and you're surprised that he even knows who you are.

And the fourth - you manage to make him laugh.

Ok, maybe laugh is a bit generous, but he exhales harder than usual and you're sure he's at least amused.

GItae thinks you're strange.

You run your mouth like you don't know who you're talking to, though you anticipate his needs and preferences like you've been studying him for most of your life.

You're this side of irritating, but not irritating enough that he wants to kill you.

And, the few times he tunes in to your comments, he admits that he finds you quite entertaining.

No-one has spoken to him like you do in a long time. There's a refreshing honesty to your words, and he's also confident that you're not going to stab him in the back at any second to wrest control of his cartel territory, which is also a welcome change from his usual company

It means that he can relax around you, or relax as much as someone like him can..

All in all, progress. Gitae finds himself trusting you like you're his second-in-command.

"What do you do for fun?" You ask. Gitae doesn't respond.

Right, you think, back to ignoring me.

You roll your eyes and start to ramble about this and that. You tell him that you're chronically online, giving a wry smile, and say it's a general side effect of your job but at least it's interesting to know the ins and outs of a few things.

Really though, maybe you should consider taking up some exercise to get fit or even as a form of self defence with your line of work and the people you come into contact with (you give Gitae a side eye at this) but it's kinda hard to find the time and-

"I can teach you," comes Gitae's low voice.

"What?"

"I can teach you," he repeats and your mouth drops open in shock.

Ok, as far as bad ideas go, this is a terrible one.

First, Gitae is huge. There is no chance you could even win in a spar or anything against him. You doubt even bullets would be able to penetrate that muscle.

Second, there is a lot of close contact and even more touching.

You aim a punch with all your might at him, any part of him. He deflects without effort, capturing your fist in his palm and he pulls you to his body. Chest against your back, wrapping his arms around you and pinning your own to your side as you try to wriggle out of his grasp.

He leans down to murmur into your ear. "You're very weak." You can feel his voice rumbling through his chest. "But you're very fun."

Your eyes snap to his at his words.

He's grinning, for the first time you've been with him. Eyes crazed and pupils blown, breath hot on your skin.

"Thanks!" You dip your head just before throwing it back sharply, connecting to Gitae's nose with a loud crack.

Gitae's nose isn't broken though it is bruised.

You apologise profusely and he tells you you have nothing to apologise for.

"It's a great hit."

You halt in your apologies, peering up at him through your lashes with a smug smirk, "I know."

Your response plays on his mind.

The lift of your lips, the sharpness of your smile, the confidence in your eyes, that half-lidded gaze.

"I know."

Gitae sees you in a new light.

He has enough of an understanding of Goo Kim to know that he's selective with his secret friends, and you have talked enough that Gitae also understands you play the role of brain rather than brawn.

Though he did not expect such viciousness to hide under your veneer, or you to be capable of such an underhanded move.

He's impressed.

"Why do all these shows make Mexico so blue?" You ask, watching a scene unfold on your phone. "Is it actually?"

You hold out the device to Gitae, some drama show playing and Mexico is indeed blue tinged.

"No."

"Hmm. It'll be cool to see for myself." You murmur, pulling your phone back.

Gitae pauses. The idea of you in his territory is very appealing. He can demonstrate to you exactly the kind of man he is, the power he wields. He can relish the impressed (or horrified) look on your face.

"I can show you," he says and you beam at the offer.

"Deal!"

“How many people have you killed with this?” you flex your hands, signalling ‘gimme’ and Gitae passes over his axe.

“Too many to count.”

“Cool,” you say nonchalantly, testing your grip. Gitae gives you a strange look.

“I gather intel, remember. That’s my thing,” you say, swinging the axe experimentally a few times and appreciating the heft behind it.

The meaning is clear: I know all your secrets and Gitae, to his surprise, feels some respite at this fact.

"Fuck," you squirm to no avail, trapped underneath Gitae as he looks down at you lazily, inches from your face.

Your wrists are pinned above your head, held in place by his grip as his other hand rests, light but threatening, on your throat.

You have had a few other training sessions since the first one, and the way they had gone was all pure luck. You had managed to gain the upperhand by complete fluke.

This time you feel completely stuck. Movement completely restricted. Gitae straddles your hips and you’re left unable to escape. You have no way to get close and cause any damage.

"Looks like you lose," he says.

You buck your hips, trying to throw him off but the weight and strength difference is too vast. He barely moves even with all your effort and you’re left more dishevelled than before. Shirt riding up and hair in your eyes and mouth.

“Fuck,” you groan again, elongating the word and pouting.

You peer up at Gitae and find his eyes flicking between your jutted out bottom lip and your sliver of skin on show.

An idea pops into your head. It may be your worst one yet.

Throwing caution to the wind, you tilt your head up in one swift movement and kiss Gitae full on the mouth. You make contact harder than anticipated, almost clashing your teeth painfully together but adjusting the angle just in time.

His body stills when he realises what you’re doing.

“Why-” he asks, pulling away, and you take advantage of the distance to nip at his bottom lip and reel him back in.

Gitae’s thoughts are cut off.

You bite down roughly, feel your sharp canines punctuating skin.

Blood bursts onto your tongue and he lets out a guttural groan, eyes boring into yours and darkened with lust.

His other hand releases your wrist, caressing over your body, slipping down until it reaches your bare exposed skin. He slides his palm under your top, long, thick fingers splaying over your ribs.

With your hands now free, you continue kissing him, mingling spit and saliva and bursts of metallic tang.

You squirm and this time, Gitae gives in to what you want; rearranging his position without breaking contact. Tongue delving into your mouth. Tasting you as you wrap your legs around his hips.

Taking advantage of the situation, you hug your arms around his neck and use your body as leverage to flip him over. Straddling him as his hardness grinds into you and his hands circle your waist to press your body close.

You can feel exactly how turned on he is, how much he wants you. And god, you’re just as fucking horny. You want him just as badly, except now you’ve managed to climb on top, the whole point of this came rushing back. You absolutely hate yourself for stopping this but-

It’s the principle.

“You know,” you murmur into his mouth, then pushing up off his chest to sit up, “I think I’ve won. Again”

Gitae frowns at the sudden loss of contact, “What?”

“I’ve won. Pretend this is a knife,” you smirk, holding your hand against his throat, in an almost-mirror image of your previous position. “I would have killed you.”

Gitae’s eyes widened in surprise, “You did this… to win?”

“Yep!”

“I didn’t expect you to play so dirty.” He says, grinning maniacally as the pieces click into place and he finds himself completely captivated.

“I play as dirty as I need to,” you tell him, tongue swiping out to lick the remnants of his blood from your lips before dipping your head down to kiss him and continue where you left off.

#lookism #lookism x reader #gitae kim #kitae kim #kim gitae #gitae kim x reader #kim gitae x reader #a little bit of the classic ->#goo kim x reader #lookism fic #lookism webtoon #lookism manhwa #wannaeatramyeon

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